The Family Dynamic by Susan Dominus

                                         Happy Father's Day!

THE FAMILY DYNAMIC by Susan Dominus is subtitled “A Journey into the Mystery of Sibling Success” and was favorably reviewed in The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal  written respectively by Ezekiel and Rahm Emmanuel, high-achieving brothers briefly mentioned in the book. Dominus, a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist and lecturer at Yale, spent years researching a half dozen families whose stories she shares, interspersed with chapters titled Generators, Expectations, Luck and Fate, Finding Nurture, Openness, and Better, Better, Best. As I read about best-selling novelist Lauren Groff and her brother Adam (a successful entrepreneur in the health-care field) and sister Sarah (a world class triathlete and Ironman competitor), I was struck by their family “slogan:” You are so tough!, reminiscent in some ways of the Harbaughs’: Who’s got it better than us?  Dominus describes her own book by writing, “It is safe to say that if this is a book about high achieving families, it is often also about the real costs of having that kind of drive, the sacrifices that having that kind of focus sometimes entails or even the emotional anguish.” And Dominus does more than talk about the supportive role of parents, siblings, and mentors; she also introduces scientists and their research, often providing additional background on their own children. Referencing a “vast body of well-respected research,” Dominus indicates that “parenting effects on children's outcomes … are likely much less dramatic than we have all been led to believe.” THE FAMILY DYNAMIC is a thoughtful work that may require slow, careful reading, but that should spark important conversations on helping children best achieve their potential. The Washington Post reviewer Judith Warner says, “THE FAMILY DYNAMIC will no doubt disappoint readers looking for bullet-pointed parenting-for-success tips. It’s just not that kind of book. It’s better.” 

The Essential Guide to Children's Sleep

THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO CHILDREN'S SLEEP by Andrea C. Roth, Shelby F. Harris, and Allison Shale is published by The American Psychological Association and promises “A Tired Caregiver's Workbook for Every Age and Stage.” I especially liked the calm, matter-of-fact tone and the provision of strategies relevant for different ages. These authors are authorities, based on their educational and professional experience (cognitive–behavioral therapists and a clinical psychologist/sleep specialist) and personal experience as parents; they readily acknowledge “the reality of how difficult childhood sleep issues can be.” After beginning with a review of general principles and guidelines, they structure the book so as to “discuss the importance of caregiver teamwork (Chapter 2), provide guidance for age groups from infancy through adolescence (Chapters 3-7), and offer troubleshooting tips (Chapter 8).” Promising to “present our recommendations along with data to support them,” these authors offer general suggestions and helpful commentary, such as “[at 4 to 6 months] they are also possibly waking a bit more often in the night as they cycle in and out of sleep. Again, all of these changes are to be expected.” The workbook format provides useful questions and an opportunity for reflection and planning. THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO CHILDREN'S SLEEP is aptly titled and will be a valuable resource for parents across several years. 

Hello, Cruel World! by Melinda Wenner Moyer

HELLO, CRUEL WORLD! by Melinda Wenner Moyer offers “Science-Based Strategies for Raising Terrific Kids in Terrifying Times.” In ten chapters Wenner Moyer, a contributing editor at Scientific American and a regular contributor to The New York Times, looks at Coping, Connecting, and Cultivating, all presented in a conversational, non-judgmental and helpful way. Adam Grant writes, “[Moyer’s] book is packed with evidence-based, nonobvious practical advice for nurturing resilience, kindness, critical thinking, and well-being.” I certainly saw the critical thinking aspect in the entire chapter devoted to Information Literacy which is full of ideas (including discussion prompts), plus some organizations (Thinking is Power, Reboot Foundation, etc.) that I did not know as well as skills (e.g., lateral reading) school librarians have been talking about for years. Other chapters cover self-compassion, resilience, self-control, relaxing, empathy, friendships, curiosity/inclusion, plus financial and information literacy and managing social media. HELLO, CRUEL WORLD! is a text which parents – and educators – should consult and discuss. At the end of each chapter there is a summary of key points, and the author also includes 300+ citations in a separate section. As Wenner Moyer says, much of her writing is about “being intentional about our choices and the kinds of conversations we have with our kids. … I implore you to take the advice that feels like it will be a good fit and leave the rest.”  

The Disengaged Teen by Anderson and Winthrop

THE DISENGAGED TEEN is a newly released work by Jenny Anderson, an award-winning journalist who reports on the science of learning, and Rebecca Winthrop, the director of the Center for Universal Education at the Brookings Institution and an adjunct professor at Georgetown University. Their book is directed to both parents and educators and is subtitled “Helping Kids Learn Better, Feel Better, and Live Better.” We all know that especially since COVID students have had a more difficult time re-acclimating to a school setting and staying motivated and engaged. The authors also observed this situation in their own families and conducted extensive research – both qualitative and quantitative - prior to writing this text. Part I describes the four patterns of behavior they found: Passenger (tending to coast along); Achiever (focusing on grades and other external rewards, perfectionist); Resister (refusing to do participate); and Explorer (following interests and building necessary skills). Anderson and Winthrop caution against applying these labels to individual students, arguing instead that the behaviors are fluid. Part II of the book is an “engagement toolkit” with stories, exercises, and ideas so that adults can help to spark student learning and to make the distance between school and life be seen as less of a “chasm.” The authors point out that “resilient learners are not strong; they are flexible.” Anderson and Winthrop recently contributed a guest essay to The New York Times where they note: “Many recent graduates aren’t able to set targets, take initiative, figure things out and deal with setbacks — because in school and at home they were too rarely afforded any agency.” I also attended a recent one hour Family Action Network session where Charles Duhigg (Supercommunicators) posed some excellent questions while interviewing these authors about THE DISENGAGED TEEN. Due to the emotions involved, this may be a difficult book for parents to digest, but it is likely to be thought-provoking and worthwhile. 

Raising Resilience by Tovah P. Klein

RAISING RESILIENCE by Tovah P. Klein, a psychology professor at Columbia University, is subtitled “How to Help Our Children Thrive in Times of Uncertainty.” With over thirty years of relevant experience, Klein’s has worked often with younger children (she is currently Director of the Center for Toddler Development and the author of How Toddlers Thrive) and it does seem at times that this advice would work better with those ages. Still, there is MUCH helpful insight here and it is presented in an approachable and empathetic manner. Klein divides the text into two main parts, looking at “The Roots of Resilience” and “The Five Pillars of Your Child’s Resilience.” Klein stresses the importance of the parent-child relationship as a kind of resilience incubator and with proactive protection. She includes many practical strategies and a series of “Reflective Questions.” Notes comprise about five percent of the book, but my favorite section is a summary of sorts, titled, “Parenting Reminders for Raising Resilience in Daily Life.” Those basic ideas (e.g., err on the side of kindness, boredom is a gift, routines and mealtimes matter) cover sixteen points which should be a required handout at pediatrician’s offices. RAISING RESILIENCE is praised by other experts in the field, including Lisa Damour (author of Untangled, Under Pressure, and The Emotional Lives of Teenagers), Sian L. Beilock (author of Choke), and Eve Rodsky (author of Fair Play and Find Your Unicorn Space). 

A related text, HELPING YOUR UNMOTIVATED TEEN by Melanie McNally, is subtitled “A Parent’s Guide to Unlock Your Child’s Potential.” McNally, a licensed clinical psychologist and brain coach, focuses on drive, grit, and goal-creating. She is not a parent herself and that seems reflected in her rather naïve belief that parents can readily negotiate (and enforce) screen time limits and then move on to implementing the ideas she presents. She offers some quality suggestions and obviously cares about teen mental health, but I felt that many of the comments here might be more acceptable to an “unmotivated” teen if an objective, impartial party was attempting to prompt dialogue and influence action rather than having a parent do so. As she says, “it's important to first do a ‘vibe check’ on your teen’s mood and attitude. They're going to be much more receptive to your input if they're in a decent mood and generally feeling good about life.” True for all of us! McNally devotes about five percent of the book to a list of helpful references.

10 to 25 by David Yeager

10 TO 25 by David Yeager is subtitled “The Science of Motivating Young People” and is self-described as “A Groundbreaking Approach to Leading the Next Generation—And Making Your Own Life Easier.” I am honestly not sure how “groundbreaking” this text is, although it seems likely to make relationships easier as Yeager stresses the responsibility of involved adults to adjust their own mindset, setting high standards while intentionally becoming more aware of young people’s need for respect. Building on case studies and interviews with successful mentors, 10 TO 25 offers an important perspective and provides numerous helpful suggestions for working with the next generation. Yeager is a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and has conducted research with Carol Dweck (Mindset), Angela Duckworth (Grit), and Gregory Walton (Ordinary Magic, forthcoming). His dozen chapters deal with taking action related to traits like Transparency, Questioning, and Belonging. The final section, called Putting It into Practice, includes specific “activities and pieces of advice” related to key ideas. Encouraging readers to keep a journal as they work through the exercises, Yeager notes that he uses these interventions in his own work and co-developed them with Rosalind Wiseman (author of Queen Bees and Wannabes). That section is an excellent summary and guide; it is followed by an extensive (roughly twenty percent of the book) series of notes and references. Booklist calls 10 TO 25 a “goldmine…” We have ordered this title and know it will receive much interest, especially at this high energy time of year as schools are opening.

The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

THE ANXIOUS GENERATION by Jonathan Haidt, Thomas Cooley Professor of Ethical Leadership at New York University’s Stern School of Business, explains “How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.” I have referenced Haidt’s writings multiple times over the past few years, including his work with Jean Twenge and articles in diverse publications like The Wall Street Journal and The Atlantic. In his newest book, he focuses on Gen Z (those born after 1995) and argues that the decline in play-based childhood and its being supplanted by device-based activities have had an extremely detrimental impact on this cohort. His own summary states: “my central claim in this book is that these two trends -- overprotection in the real world and under protection in the virtual world -- are the major reasons why children born after 1995 became ‘the anxious generation’.” THE ANXIOUS GENERATION has four main parts; one looks at facts about teen mental health since 2010; another explores the changes in parenting style as it became increasingly overprotective and fearful; next, Haidt describes the ways phone-based childhood disrupts development (sleep and social deprivation, lowering attention spans; and addiction).

The final section provides research-based ideas on steps to take, especially his four “foundational” reforms: more unsupervised play; no smartphones before high school; no social media before age 16; and phone free schools. That sounds unrealistic, doesn’t it? Haidt draws on his social psychology background to explain collective action problems like the case where a few students have phones and/or social media accounts and then put pressure on their peers, who in turn pressure their parents. He cites examples of voluntary coordination like the group Wait Until 8th and advocates for technological solutions (e.g., lockable pouches, better basic phones) and increased regulation. Several chapters deal with what government, tech companies, schools, parents, and young people can do. He condenses his recommendations to Speak Up and Link Up, ironically providing many resources via an online portal: AnxiousGeneration.com.  Deeply researched and fascinating – THE ANXIOUS GENERATION will be on our shelves soon.