The Family Dynamic by Susan Dominus

                                         Happy Father's Day!

THE FAMILY DYNAMIC by Susan Dominus is subtitled “A Journey into the Mystery of Sibling Success” and was favorably reviewed in The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal  written respectively by Ezekiel and Rahm Emmanuel, high-achieving brothers briefly mentioned in the book. Dominus, a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist and lecturer at Yale, spent years researching a half dozen families whose stories she shares, interspersed with chapters titled Generators, Expectations, Luck and Fate, Finding Nurture, Openness, and Better, Better, Best. As I read about best-selling novelist Lauren Groff and her brother Adam (a successful entrepreneur in the health-care field) and sister Sarah (a world class triathlete and Ironman competitor), I was struck by their family “slogan:” You are so tough!, reminiscent in some ways of the Harbaughs’: Who’s got it better than us?  Dominus describes her own book by writing, “It is safe to say that if this is a book about high achieving families, it is often also about the real costs of having that kind of drive, the sacrifices that having that kind of focus sometimes entails or even the emotional anguish.” And Dominus does more than talk about the supportive role of parents, siblings, and mentors; she also introduces scientists and their research, often providing additional background on their own children. Referencing a “vast body of well-respected research,” Dominus indicates that “parenting effects on children's outcomes … are likely much less dramatic than we have all been led to believe.” THE FAMILY DYNAMIC is a thoughtful work that may require slow, careful reading, but that should spark important conversations on helping children best achieve their potential. The Washington Post reviewer Judith Warner says, “THE FAMILY DYNAMIC will no doubt disappoint readers looking for bullet-pointed parenting-for-success tips. It’s just not that kind of book. It’s better.” 

Raising Resilience by Tovah P. Klein

RAISING RESILIENCE by Tovah P. Klein, a psychology professor at Columbia University, is subtitled “How to Help Our Children Thrive in Times of Uncertainty.” With over thirty years of relevant experience, Klein’s has worked often with younger children (she is currently Director of the Center for Toddler Development and the author of How Toddlers Thrive) and it does seem at times that this advice would work better with those ages. Still, there is MUCH helpful insight here and it is presented in an approachable and empathetic manner. Klein divides the text into two main parts, looking at “The Roots of Resilience” and “The Five Pillars of Your Child’s Resilience.” Klein stresses the importance of the parent-child relationship as a kind of resilience incubator and with proactive protection. She includes many practical strategies and a series of “Reflective Questions.” Notes comprise about five percent of the book, but my favorite section is a summary of sorts, titled, “Parenting Reminders for Raising Resilience in Daily Life.” Those basic ideas (e.g., err on the side of kindness, boredom is a gift, routines and mealtimes matter) cover sixteen points which should be a required handout at pediatrician’s offices. RAISING RESILIENCE is praised by other experts in the field, including Lisa Damour (author of Untangled, Under Pressure, and The Emotional Lives of Teenagers), Sian L. Beilock (author of Choke), and Eve Rodsky (author of Fair Play and Find Your Unicorn Space). 

A related text, HELPING YOUR UNMOTIVATED TEEN by Melanie McNally, is subtitled “A Parent’s Guide to Unlock Your Child’s Potential.” McNally, a licensed clinical psychologist and brain coach, focuses on drive, grit, and goal-creating. She is not a parent herself and that seems reflected in her rather naïve belief that parents can readily negotiate (and enforce) screen time limits and then move on to implementing the ideas she presents. She offers some quality suggestions and obviously cares about teen mental health, but I felt that many of the comments here might be more acceptable to an “unmotivated” teen if an objective, impartial party was attempting to prompt dialogue and influence action rather than having a parent do so. As she says, “it's important to first do a ‘vibe check’ on your teen’s mood and attitude. They're going to be much more receptive to your input if they're in a decent mood and generally feeling good about life.” True for all of us! McNally devotes about five percent of the book to a list of helpful references.

10 to 25 by David Yeager

10 TO 25 by David Yeager is subtitled “The Science of Motivating Young People” and is self-described as “A Groundbreaking Approach to Leading the Next Generation—And Making Your Own Life Easier.” I am honestly not sure how “groundbreaking” this text is, although it seems likely to make relationships easier as Yeager stresses the responsibility of involved adults to adjust their own mindset, setting high standards while intentionally becoming more aware of young people’s need for respect. Building on case studies and interviews with successful mentors, 10 TO 25 offers an important perspective and provides numerous helpful suggestions for working with the next generation. Yeager is a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and has conducted research with Carol Dweck (Mindset), Angela Duckworth (Grit), and Gregory Walton (Ordinary Magic, forthcoming). His dozen chapters deal with taking action related to traits like Transparency, Questioning, and Belonging. The final section, called Putting It into Practice, includes specific “activities and pieces of advice” related to key ideas. Encouraging readers to keep a journal as they work through the exercises, Yeager notes that he uses these interventions in his own work and co-developed them with Rosalind Wiseman (author of Queen Bees and Wannabes). That section is an excellent summary and guide; it is followed by an extensive (roughly twenty percent of the book) series of notes and references. Booklist calls 10 TO 25 a “goldmine…” We have ordered this title and know it will receive much interest, especially at this high energy time of year as schools are opening.